Advice? Anyone?

Here's the problem: When I'm supremely tired, I eat. It's as if my body has an instinct to carb-load for fuel when I haven't slept enough. Like I could run off of sugar and fat when there's not enough rest to recharge. I realize that the best solution is to get my 7-9 hours nightly, plus an occasional afternoon nap, but in real life, it ain't always possible.

I stock apples and bananas, but my exhaustion drives me like a zombie after brains to pasta, candy, and granola bars. I try drinking water before eating--no dice.

On a related note, I noticed last night, as I notice on occasion, that I may require more downtime than the average bear to function properly. OTOH, perhaps I am more concerned about doing things well than the average person, and therefore put more energy into each thing I do. I don't like to slam through tasks, assignments, social time, or life. My motto is decidedly not "Work hard, play hard." It might be more like, "Work hard, but not all the time, then relax and have some unstructured time, which may include play, rest, contemplation, and/or cooking."

Quick Note from Vacation

It would seem that Southern cooking and WW are inherently incompatible.

No, let's not discuss it.

You may be surprised to learn, dear reader, that I do not tell most people I know in real life about my weight loss efforts. There are a few reasons for this. The first is that many people are absolute conversational dullards who will want to discuss the ins and outs of weight management in the most mundane possible way for the next half hour. The second is that I fear people will want me to join in the sport of bashing the previous, heavier version of my body, like the way people want you to rip apart your ex, but you're like, "But I loved that person." I refuse to join in any body bashing. The third reason, especially when dealing with women, is that I don't have the energy to cope with the "You're so good, and I need to do that, too," reaction. I'm very busy and have neither the time nor the desire to conduct concurrent crash courses in Feminism 101 and First-Year Self-Esteem.

And that's the story.

Fifteen pounds off, and my body and mind seem different.

I have now whittled fifteen pounds of fat from my body. The changes in my body are now obvious to me. My waistline is quite concave. My upper belly is mostly flat. The Girls are perkier. I can see that I've improved my waist-to-hip ratio, which is a key marker for health. (I'm glad that I've been doing lots of abs exercises this whole time, because now that enough fat is gone to reveal a waistline, my posture is great, my abs and back are strong.)

It's nice to see and feel tangible results from my efforts. The key skill/mindset I've learned over these fifteen pounds is Stick-To-It-Ness (STIN). STIN requires a patient determination, a constant returning to the present. The ability to return to the present over and over, to let go of that last mistake and proceed forward, requires a lot of mindfulness, a heaping whallop of letting go of the harshly critical inner voices, and categorical banishment of little voice that says, "Hey, you blew lunch. Let's have cake for dinner." I've also learned that some weeks are too chaotic to focus on losing weight, and it's best for me to maintain weight and then resume losing when I have more time and space. The slow boat is best. This is not a sprint to the finish; this is a long stroll to a new place where I plan to live.

Kickin' ass and bitchslapping my inner demons, I lose weight.

Correlation

In the comments a few posts down, Ann and I are having an interesting (if I do say so myself) discussion about correlation v. causation when it comes to health and obesity. Official NIH info about health, obesity, and determining whether losing weight would decrease your risk of disease here.

Be sure to check out the mouseover in that comic. :)

UPDATE: crap, seems you can't see the mouseover. Here's what it says:
Correlation doesn't imply causation, but it does waggle its eyebrows suggestively and gesture furtively while mouthing 'look over there'.

Side benefit

Oh, hey, I'm more flexible all of a sudden! I haven't been stretching more--maybe even a little less. All I can figure is that having less, say, belly in the way makes me able to stretch farther forward. Also, I can hug my husband tighter.

Mnph...Food...Hangover

Yesterday, my husband defended his PhD. (Hurray!) It was a strange, unstructured day, a day with lots of food around, a day when I ate ALL that food because I was nervous/celebratory. In a word: Regression.

(A pause to emphasize that this was a fantastic, momentous day! Happy!)

Despite my efforts in packing a favorite salad for lunch, here is what I ate yesterday:

• pie (yes, at breakfast)
• cereal and soy milk
• coffee
• 3 cookies
• some of that salad
• a giant falafel wrap
• iced coffee (at 4:30 PM! Then I wondered why I couldn't sleep...)
• fried Indian appetizers: half a samosa and 2 pakoras
• masala chai (tasted traditional, i.e., made with half-and-half in place of milk)
  
• naan
• coconut rice
• channa saagwala (mmmm, spinach, chickpeas, spices, and loads of ghee)
• kulfi

Immediately after dinner, I felt sluggish, bloated, heavy, gross. My mind was dull. I recognized this sensation and instantly realized that I hadn't felt it since I began WW. I used to feel this hyperglycemic stupor fairly often after a restaurant meal. Also? I'm mildly lactose intolerant, but yesterday I did a marvelous job of pretending I was not.

I didn't feel well as I tried to sleep last night. My gut felt heavy, my mind was both dull and racing, muscles achy. I dreamed all night that it was Christmas and I could not get away from holiday cookies and eggnog. At one time, these would have been heavenly dreams, but last night, they were nightmares.

This morning is the strangest, though. I feel what I can only describe as a food hangover. Its symptoms are different from a regular hangover (so I'm told, I was never a big fan of alcohol). I STILL feel full and slightly queasy. My mouth is dry and has a bad taste. Brain racing and slightly foggy still.

This experience is an excellent affirmation for me of the effects food has on my body and mind, and also of the improvements to my own well-being thanks to WW.

I think a little tea with a little honey and a slice of toast will suffice for breakfast. I think I will stick to monastic food today.

Let's tawk about fat acceptance.

The fat acceptance movement has been on my mind lately. See, I agree with most of it: Beautiful bodies come in all shapes and sizes, popular images distort our notions of an "acceptable" figure, it's important to maintain health--doctor visits, good nutrition, exercise--no matter what your weight, and doctors should not bully patients about weight. A person's weight is not a moral issue, nor is it anyone else's business. Women are browbeaten about fitting a thin, perky, fit perfect embodiment of femininity, which is just wrong. I'm sure men must feel pressure to conform to a certain Clark Kent physique, too. Let's all love our bodies!

However, it seems to me that this movement, for all its wonderful and timely points, too often denies the health risks of overweight and obesity. Ignoring the research linking overweight/obesity with heart disease and cancer is like ignoring the research linking smoking with heart disease and cancer. Is excess fat the only cause of disease? No, of course not. It is, nonetheless, a tremendous risk factor, on a par with smoking. Like smoking, fat is difficult but not impossible to change.

I will continue to believe, and to encourage others to believe (when it comes up) that bodies are beautiful in their infinite variety. I would never tell another person that he/she needs to drop a few pounds, and I respect each individual's choices in regards to his/her own body. However, I cannot deny the very serious health risks of overweight and obesity, nor the health benefits of reaching and maintaining a healthy weight. I think that the fat acceptance movement's apparent denial of these health risks is, well, unhealthy. It's one thing to evaluate the risks and say, that's OK, I'd rather not lose weight and take my chances; it's a different thing to say, there are no risks.

And, also, too: Be sure to check out this episode of On Point, a discussion with Susie Orbach, author of Bodies. She has some terrific ideas.

Yay, me!

I am pleased to report that I have downgraded from "obese" to merely "overweight." I'm sure this must cut health risks of X by Y percent, but I don't know the details.

<3 <3 <3 FRUSHI!!!!! <3 <3 <3

I enjoyed Frushi at a party last night--sushi rice molded into little flower shapes with a thin slice of strawberry or kiwi on top. It was a revelation! I probably ate 5 pieces. So sweet, delicious, toothsome, and light. I found the recipe online.

Tip from the hostess: Press the sushi rice into a cookie sheet and then chill in the fridge overnight. Cut with cookie cutters for pretty shapes. Much easier than hand-forming while the rice is hot.

I think I'm in love with Ellie Krieger.

Ellie Krieger is a Food Network host (watch out--video with sound at that link), cookbook author, and registered dietitian. She is a registered dietitian who actually likes food. She understands that we have taste buds and texture buds, that we crave sweet and creamy and should therefore eat sweet and creamy. Best of all, she chooses real food over processed crap. Like me, she would rather eat real mayonnaise and real whipped cream, but watch the portions, than to resort to corn-syrup-additive-fake reduced-fat mayo and light whipped topping.

Her cookbook just arrived in the mail. I tried her pancakes with strawberry syrup this morning, and they are wonderful: everything a pancake should be, but without needing a nap afterwards.

I want to try her hot cocoa recipes RIGHT NOW, but I'm full.

Things I learned during the first 5%

I learned a whole lot about weight loss, maintenance, and food as I dropped the first 5% of my original body weight. Here are some of the gems.

1. Healthy food is not necessarily low-calorie food. This is a key error I was making all along.
2. Hershey's is just not worth it. Ghiradelli dark chocolate is. Scharffen Berger? Really worth it.
3. The hot dog/cheese/peanut butter/pizza seems like it will be filling, but it really won't. High-fiber, high-water-content foods are filling.
4. Support is necessary to lose weight. I would not be able to do it by myself.
4a. Do not discuss weight issues with my parents, who try but fail to be supportive. They programmed my food issue buttons; of course they know how to push them!
4b. There are friends with whom I should not eat out. They will try to push the fried appetizers and dessert on me. They may comment excessively about the healthfulness of my food selections.
4b1. DUDE. I don't comment about your food--except maybe flavors and textures! Do not comment on mine!
5. Rolls have more Points than I think. They can destroy a day's or a week's hard work. Ditto for the restaurant bread basket.
5a. It's advisable to have a small snack before dining out, so that I will not face the bread basket when faint from hunger. I could never win that battle unprepared. The bread basket is an admirable foe.
6. It's not really about willpower. It's about preparation and analysis.
7. My favorite mantra from the WW leader: What you did last matters less than what you do next.

Two highly practical points:
1. It's good to keep some Applegate Farms Chicken & Sage sausage in the freezer, so I can microwave one or two when I get that NEED MEAT NOW! feeling. (Just 1 Point per sausage! So satisfying!)
2. If possible, urinate just before weekly weigh-in. Just a little water retention can cause a 1-2 pound weight increase on the scale.

Goodbye, Plateau Town. Hello, Processed Food Cycle.

Good news! I've lost another 2.4 lbs., which means that I have 1. shaken free of my plateau, and 2. lost 5% of my original body weight in total!

But today was Not a Great Eating Day. Because I had to do the week's grocery shopping AND get to my WW meeting after a long, sleep-deprived school day, I ate a McDonald's cheeseburger for dinner. Ironically, I ate the junk food short-term in order to support my longer-term goals for the week.

If it had stopped at a cheeseburger, that would be no big deal. It seems, however, that I can get into a Processed Food Cycle. Something about the taste of the McSpaceFood makes me crave more processed nonsense. Which means that, since the WW meeting, I have eaten two pieces of string cheese, a granola bar, and the better part of a bag of baked cheese puffs. Cheese puffs! I mean, what the hell?

However: What you do next is more important than what you did last. Tomorrow I will start over, with the fridge and cupboards stocked with real food.

Cleavers, cornsilk, and goldenrod.

These three herbs comprise the tincture I'm taking for a bladder infection. I really hope that they work. I do not relish the idea of taking a round of antibiotics. Why carpet bomb the whole system to rout out a few misplaced bacteria?

Tomorrow: Class from 9 AM to 4 PM. I hope I can fit in some exercise.

Upcoming post: Adventures in angel food. Stay tuned!

UPDATE: I am pleased to report that my herbal formula is kicking the UTI's ass!

Pilates hurts. And bones.

I love my Pilates DVD, I do. The thing that kills me is the inner thigh exercises. No other exercises I've encountered isolate those inner thighs like Pilates. Help me now.

It's good, though. Satisfying.

In other news, I've lately been startled to notice my own bones. If I scratch my dry winter skin, sometimes I'll feel a rib where there was just flesh before, or more spinal details than usual. It's odd, feeling one's body shift in subtle but definite ways. I think a person might subconsciously resist weight loss because s/he is accustomed to his/her body. Having this thing we identify as "self" shift and change is somewhat unnerving. Who is this beneath my clothes? This is not what I identify as "me."

Of course, when the weight loss is deliberate, it's a nice kind of surprise.

PS Had to buy a belt to keep my jeans up today.

Welcome to Plateau Town!

I dropped 8 pounds easily, and now I am hovering. Half a pound down, 2 pounds up, 2 pounds down, half a pound up. Last night I went to the WW meeting with a friend who happens to be a fitness professional. I asked her about body weight set points. She said that yes, she has experienced them, too--certain weights where your body decides it's happy and does not want to budge.

Thankfully, my friend is a fitness professional! She had some good tips. (WW does not have much to say about fitness. Their advice can be summed up in one word: Move! Not very nuanced.)

Here are her ideas for leaving Plateau Town in the rear view mirror:

1. Cardio, cardio, cardio. 5-7 days/week.
2. Try exercising in the morning to jack up metabolism for the whole day. (Not so feasible for me...)
3. Don't use all the food Points earned through exercise. You are allowed to let them go.

She gave me a mantra: Muscle is heavier than fat. Muscle takes up less space, Muscle burns more per hour than any part of your bod...

I was dismayed to find the WW scale said I'd gained half a pound, but the home scale said I'd lost one. My friend told me it was probably water weight. Sure enough, I came home and stepped on the scale: Same weight as at the meeting. Then I peed and tried again: One pound lighter.

No more chugging water and jasmine tea before meetings!

Reverse growth spurts.

You know how teens, puppies, and kittens grow in such a way that they have, say, huge feet and hands and tiny little torsos? I believe I am now a size smaller on the top half of my body than the bottom. I feel like I'm having a reverse growth spurt.

Getting back on the wagon: let's define.

Here's the scenario. You are taken out for lunch. You see the bread basket and, starving, estimate maybe 2 Points/roll. You eat two.

You discover later that the rolls at this particular Small Chain are double the points you thought. This means you are out of Points to eat dinner. Moreover, because you've already eaten out twice this week (happy birthday!?), you have consumed your allocated 35 "floating" Points per week. You can only earn so many Points from exercise, and anyway, you are incredibly sore and need to take it easy today.

If you skip supper, you will feel cranky and stressy and maybe end up just eating loads of high-carbohydrate foods later. If you don't skip it, you are guaranteed not to lose weight today. I mean, the point of counting Points is to stay within them.

Which is it? How does one get back on the wagon in time for dinner? This scenario keeps knocking me off my wagon this week--again, happy birthday?--and, because I'm not sure how to turn it around, I end up off the wagon well into the next day.

Letter to a Restaurant

1. Dear _____:

I love the new ________'s menu. The food is tasty, unusual, and fresh. However, I wish you'd bring back those mini-desserts that were so delectable and gave just the right amount of sweet at the end of the meal. OR, I would love to see a calorie-counting-friendly dessert option, such as fresh blackberries sprinkled with sugar and a touch of light whipped cream with a mint garnish, or poached pears with light cardamom ice cream and a drizzle of chocolate.

As you can see, I've given this a good amount of thought.

Warmly,
kStyle

Cheap workout thrills

G. got me one of those handy-dandy iPod arm bands. I got me a jumprope (6.99) and some decent sneaks (24.95) at KMart. Went to the park on this mild February day. Walked around the park once to warm up, stretched a little, and then skipped and hopped away, iPod energizing me with Fischerspooner and Jamiroquai.

Took me a couple songs to get the coordination, but then I was off and jumping. Biceps got sore, calves started complaining, endorphins pushed me on. Lungs worked for it. Once I stopped, I realized my abs had also been working hard, presumably to stabilize the body leaping through space. But the whole thing was fun! Remember when exercise was fun? OK, for me it's always fun, because I swim and dance and walk and canoe and avoid the torture machines, but this was extra-fun. Intense cardio in the outdoors that is not running = yes, please. For some reason, perhaps just because of how my joints are constructed, running hurts my feet and calves, but jumping does not.

Also, jumping rope is a nice way to get in those intervals: Jump for a minute or two, then walk around or do a few push-ups. Jump super-fast, then skip at a leisurely pace.

I will be feeling this tomorrow.

UPDATE, NEXT MORNING: Yeah, OW!

Eating Too Many Calories Is Not a Moral Failing.

I ate too many brownies last week. I made Valentine's brownies for my husband and then ate a lot of them myself. I discovered that all that sugar and chocolate put me on a horrible energy-and-mood roller coaster ride. On Sunday, fatigued, pale, and puffy, I got off the ride. I ate whole grains, nothing refined. I felt better within 24 hours.

I shared my story of brownies and redemption at the WW meeting, and rather to my surprise, the leader congratulated me both for my insight on how the brownies made me feel, and for taking the next step, ie, recovering and moving on. She emphasized throughout the meeting that what you already did is less important than what you do next. I liked that a lot.

Meantime, today my parents took us out for lunch for my birthday. They are so weirdly moralistic about calories. My dad was once overweight and then lost a bunch of weight (using WW without meetings) and has kept it off. Ever since he has had the self-righteousness of the converted, wielding judgment about food, fat, and exercise with a traditional pastor's relish of fire and brimstone.

Mom is currently trying to lose weight. Last time I saw her, she beat herself up all day for eating a spanikopita and then discovering, by looking through my WW food guide, that it was more Points than she thought. She is not even doing Weight Watchers. At the time, she had not even started her own weight loss efforts. For the rest of the day, she went on and on about how awful she felt for eating the spanikopita. Her righteousness is inner-directed, channeled into guilt. "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you..." Over the holidays she made fun of Oprah's weight. I told her not to pick on people for weight. As usual, she felt guilty, but perhaps more powerfully, she felt embarrassed for picking on Oprah because she herself is overweight.

Why is weight an OK target for ridicule? Oh, right! It's NOT! No matter how fat or thin you are!

I'd forgotten some of my folks' strange fat-moralism until my own WW journey began. I mentioned to my mom that in weeks 3-4 I gained 2.4 pounds back, and she was disappointed on a level far beyond what was acceptable. Everyone who's done WW assures me that gains here & there are normal and part of the process; what we're aiming for is an overall downward trajectory over time.

At lunch today, I mentioned a previous lunch FAIL. I had ordered a salad wrap in a food court, thinking it would be more healthful than a delicious, delectable Indian dish, only later to discover that my unsatisfying wrap contained a sneaky 1400 calories. My mom turned pale, and asked, with something akin to terror, what caused all those calories. "The dressing," I replied, matter-of-factly. Dad replied in a moralistic, preachy tone, "Salad dressing is bad. You have to be really careful." I snapped back an "I KNOW." A little support would have been nice, a little, "Wow! That's a crazy salad story! It happens, though." But no, JUDGMENT.

I could go on longer, about how my mom saw me looking hungry waiting for our food at the restaurant and tried to foist more bread on my plate, about other awkward, contradictory food events today, but...eh. I guess I just have to stop talking about my weight loss process with them altogether. Cut 'em off.

Evening treat

San Pellegrino with a drop or two of flavored Stevia drops. ooooh

The results of Points FAIL

I gained 2.5 lbs since my last meeting. I would be lying if I said I were not disappointed and not kicking myself. Intellectually I know I just have to take my lumps and move on, get back on the horse, stiff upper lip. But I'm having a rough couple of weeks.

The disaster that is grade 7 ELA substitute teaching has me feeling like I'm a Bad Teacher and I should Not be making this career move. On the other hand, the lead teacher did try to cajole me into staying the rest of the year, and the other 7th grade teachers also look fed up, wiped out, and exasperated this week. This is one tough group of kids. Again, intellectually, I understand this. But at the end of the day, I feel like a fat, failed teacher.

Emotionally, I'm feeling down, stressed, insecure. Does not help that it's the Worst Time of Year and the Worst Time of Month all at once, a condition for which my friend R. says, "Just write 'S.W.' on the calendar for the week." S.W.? "Suicide Watch," she explained.

Ah, gallows humor, so necessary in mid-February.

Not so hot.

I woke up feeling kind of ill. I think yesterday's feasting did not agree with my insides. I'm not actively sick; it's not like food poisoning. I feel sluggish and like my insides are stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey. I've read that one's system grows used to a lower-fat diet and begins to dislike rich foods. It appears to be true in my case.

Points FAIL

Today got off track. I started innocently enough with a balanced, 5-point breakfast. When I returned home after my facial (aaaah, facial...reverie), I was very hungry for lunch, but we didn't really have anything prepared. So I ate the frozen samosa and a glob of hummus and some spinach and some tortilla chips, but the store had been out of baked ones so G. bought regular. (Incidentally, they tasted greasy to me. It's interesting how the palate adjusts.)

Then I remembered that the liquer I'd made was ready today! And it was fabulous, smooth and slightly sweet with a nice coffee flavor and a hint of orange on top! And I kept sipping on it, going back for more...and a little more...and oh, just another sip...

MIL and her partner were visiting and wanted to see the famous Cheese Shop. And there I bought parmesan twists, these wonderful, crunchy, strong-flavored swirls of bread and cheese. And the MIL and Partner bought three cheeses which we then tried. Then we went for dinner. I ate a rather large dessert. And I came home and sipped more liquer and munched more parmesan twists.

Now, none of this was bad food. It was great food! It was, however, too much of a good thing. The rich foods need to be treats sprinkled here and there, not the mainstream of nutrition. Also, these calorie-dense foods? Ironically, not so filling, which is why I kept eating more of them. No matter. It was enjoyable, and tomorrow is a new day.

I will save some points for more liquer, however.

Why now?

I spent a long time feeling perfectly content at my overweight weight. Ann, whose thoughtful blog everyone should read, got me wondering why I suddenly joined WW and embarked upon this Journey of Weight Loss.

There was one immediate reason: My new health insurance gave me coupons to go for free. There were other more superficial reasons, too, like the fact that all the MyPyramid effort left me feeling tired, hungry, and alone. Clearly I needed an established system, and WW has been around for 45 years. That's quite a bit longer than I've been around.

OK, fine, but why the decision to lose weight? I think it has to do with my Saturn return.

When I turned 30 last February, I examined my life carefully. I decided to make a complete career change, complete with graduate school and everything. I decided not to take crap from people anymore; I was too darn nice. I also decided to get a new, adult wardrobe.

In a sense, everything I've started since my 30th has been about becoming the shaper of my own life. I'm a go-with-the-flow gal, but I decided it was high time for ME to be the one in charge. Part of shaping my life, I decided, was shaping my own body, and with it my own health.

I've been proofreading an oncology nutrition textbook, and let me tell you: Obesity increases the risk of every single kind of cancer, and they don't even know why. Don't get me started on heart disease.

Actually, DO get me started, because all my grandparents save one have had major heart disease. Grandpa F., a foodie like me, was so obese by the end of his short life--I don't think he reached 70--that he could not walk. He could not leave the house. He had gigantic, edemic ankles that were always in pain. He slept with an oxygen mask because of the apnea. His world grew sad and insulated. Like me, he ate only fresh, nonprocessed food. He died and left Grandma F. to fend for herself with breast cancer. She was very thin, but if I have the gene and the extra fat, my risk is automatically increased.

Grandpa C., a living miracle at 81, has had several massive heart attacks. Grandma C.? Quadruple bypass surgery. Now, I'm not saying that all of these problems are caused by weight. What I am saying is that I have a tough genetic history that does not need to be encouraged by extra weight.

I have a tough genetic history, and two docs pointed out to me that a person in her 30s will gain weight eating the exact same food in the exact same amounts that she ate in her 20s. Because I had gained weight in my 20s, when youthful metabolism was still running high, I was likely to end my 30s even bigger. I decided not to test this out. I had a vision of becoming Grandpa F., spending life between bed and kitchen chair, painful purple ankles. I am most happy when I'm dancing to music I love, walking outdoors, canoeing. I have to move. I must go outside. It is my nature.

Melodramatic visions aside, this is really about being the one in charge of my life. I am lucky, in a sense, that I've never been on a traditional "diet." I am free of the diet mentality. The older women at WW are constantly being reminded to lose the notion of "diet;" I'm like, "What's a diet?"

On the other hand, I have always gained or lost weight without really knowing how or why. I mean, yes, caloric intake greater than caloric output = gaining weight. Caloric intake less than caloric expenditure = losing weight. I get that. But it would happen to me, randomly, without my conscious choice of gaining, losing, or maintaining my weight. I decided that this was not what I wanted. How could I be in charge of my life if I was not even in charge of my own fat cells? If I was not aware of how the food I ate was affecting them?

I think my mentality--I am doing WW to learn how to take care of myself and to be in charge of my own destiny-- is much of what is breeding my success. My weight loss of about 2 lb/week is exactly on target for what WW says to expect. Other people are not having as much success, and I suspect that they are coming at the program from a different angle. Their headspace is different.

So, to return to the beginning: This is all because of my Saturn return.

This week's weigh-in

I'm down another 2 lbs this week. When I lose 1 more lb, I will be 5% lighter than when I started.

Weight loss can be stupid.

I looked in the mirror today, and I was like, hey! Where did my arms go? Now, believe me, my arms were not particularly fat. Now they are particularly thin, however. But svelte arms? No one looks at another person and thinks, "Check out those svelte arms! Ooh, baby!" The general public does think, and not in a good way, "Damn, that's one fat ass!"

Memo to ass: Lose some fat. Memo to arms: Please let ass go first.

Second Weigh-In

I lost another 2.2 lbs this week, bringing the grand total to 6.6. I got a green star sticker with a "5" on it for reaching the 5 lb mark.

It takes me a little while to get it.

I went for a nice, peaceful walk today. I chose the quieter area available to me, the arboretum with its paths through the woods. I wanted to commune with the winter songbirds and, also, to walk on paths shielded from the wind by tall pine trees. I saw two friendly chickadees, one determined woodpecker, and a fat tufted titmouse. We watched each other, which is the interesting thing about birdwatching.

Anyway, I returned home in a particularly peaceful frame of mind with a particularly open heart, and there in the mailbox was an advertisement for Shambhala Sun, a Buddhist magazine. And there, nestled in the marketing materials, was a letter from my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, writing about mindfulness, about how mindfulness is the miracle that makes happiness possible. And then it hit me.

To a certain extent, I've been seeing my WW process as a battle, as a fighting to stay within my point ranges and burn those calories through exercise. But the combination of birdsong and Thay's message reverberated, and shook loose this idea: What if I reframe this undertaking as a sort of mindfulness? What if I see this counting points as a form of food meditation, intended, as all forms of mindfulness, to create health? Why, it becomes a whole different thing, doesn't it? So this is my new frame: mindfulness.

Snacks.

The best snacks, of course, are fruits and veggies. Sometimes, though, we just need that sweet shimmer of processed goodness across the tongue. Here are some snacks I've found that don't kill the points value for the day. However. I've found that if I succumb and eat more than one of these snacks a day, I Will Be Hungry Later. Without furter ado, kStyle's List O'Snacks, with Links When Available:

Trader Joe's Fat Free Caramel Popcorn (2 points per 3/4 cup)
3 Musketeers Fun Size Bars (1 point per bar, just enough for that taste)
Barry's Bakery French Twists, Original Flavor (1 pt per 2 twists! So cinnamony!)
And, the Queen of Snacks, the Diva of Decadence...
Scharffen Berger 60% Cacao Chocolate (2 points per 1/2 oz). Can't live without my dark chocolate, and this is rich and full-bodied enough to satisfy with just a taste.

Of doughnut dreams and Thai regrets.

In a perfect world, WW would give women extra PMS Points(TM). I thought of this as I ate my high-fiber toast with PB & J this morning, and my hormones screamed out, Harpy-like: This is not a doughnut! We are not fooled! NOT A DOUGHNUT! Screeeeeeech!

Another thought dawned this morning, as I pored over the WW Dining Out Companion book, looking for Indian foods that I could consume without consuming all my points for the week. As I flipped past the Thai page, the French page, the Greek page, a chill curled down my spine. Most of my extra poundage may well be the gift of a curious palate, a palate that enjoys trying new ethnic cuisines, without stopping to wonder whether the natives are excessively fond of oil, ghee, coconut milk, or cream. Take Thai food. Seems healthy, right? Rice noodles and lots of vegetables! More, please!...You know why Thai vegetables taste so much better than regular old vegetables? They are fried in a shitload of oil and simmered in a groves' worth of coconut milk! Oh, dear! Oh, me! Oh, thigh!

Now I must plan--nay, strategize--before eating out. As for my Indian meal, I'm very grateful that I love tandoori shrimp. It's just 3 points for 3/4 cup.

Body Acceptance Nirvana

I was just telling a friend this story, and I thought--it's pretty interesting! Maybe my blog buddies would like to hear it, too.

I grew up, of course, thinking that my curvalicious figure was too fat. Looking at the flat-tummied waifs on TV and film, I felt dumpy and large.

Then, I took West African dance in college. Our instructor, "Grandma," would tell the girls, "Be beautiful! Be ROUND!" It became clear that she, and the other Africans teaching us, thought the American ideal of womanly beauty way too thin. It's not like morbid obesity is considered attractive in Ghana, either, but they like some meat on women's bones.

I realized then that my body was considered the perfect shape in much of the world. That the proper-size body was nothing more than a cultural construct. And that I would be one hot mama in Africa.

In fact, I did visit Lisbon for five days at the tail end of my study abroad in Greece. At least in 1999, Lisbon had a lot of immigrants from Portugal's former African colonies. I could not walk down the street without being followed by an African man. Sometimes it was a little unnerving, but nonetheless, it verified my thesis.

Since meeting the Ghanaians in college, I've liked my body, not seeing it as too fat, too large, or in any way embarrassing. I think this is overall a good thing. On the other hand, it did keep me from trying to lose weight when I probably should have.

Recently a lovely, very attractive friend confided that she felt upset because she'd gained some weight. I advised her to buy new clothes so that she would feel good about herself.

Comment away!

I've changed the comment settings from "Anyone" to "Registered users only," in an attempt to avert some comment squirrellyness. Let me know how it works for you.

First Weigh-In

I am 4.4 lbs lighter already! Holy crap, I worked super-hard all summer for the exact same loss I just got in 1 week. Suh-weet!

Getting the hang of it.

The first couple days of counting points were distressing. I didn't know what I was doing yet, or how to do it with ease, and so I was both annoyed and hungry much of the time. Since then things have vastly improved, especially since I figured out how to incorporate a daily half-ounce of Schaffen Berger 60% cacao dark chocolate (2 points!).

The magnetic whiteboard on the front of the fridge is now covered with a list of snacks sorted by point values. Come home starving? No problem! I know exactly what we have in the fridge and how much it will cost me.

My scale says I've lost 5 lbs. since my first WW weigh-in, but my scale may be different from the WW scale.

Oh noes

A so-called "stomach bug" made itself known in my system last night. I suppose it should be easier to stick to today's points as a result...

I half-wonder, though, if it's really a matter of eating too many acidic foods yesterday: a grapefruit, Coke Zero, pineapple, salsa...If perhaps my goodwill attempts to drink milk, which has never agreed with my tum, should be abandoned...If it's not a stomach bug so much as my body FREAKING OUT about the higher-fiber, reduced-cal way I've been eating.

Pretty sure it's a bug, though. I do work in schools, with children, after all.

My Body Thinks It's Dying, Which Makes My Mind Irritable.

I ate two salads today. Two! One had grilled chicken and grilled portobello--portobella? which is it?--'shrooms, and it was delicious. I ate steel cut oats made overnight in a crockpot, so that they were ready when I woke up famished. They were also delish. I ate whole wheat pasta shells with nonfat tomato sauce. I had less milk than I was supposed to, but I'm not a milk drinker. I ate 2 oz of pineapple, the better part of an apple, and even a quarter oz of Schaffen Berger. I learned about the minefield that is salad dressing and found a really, really great lemon tarragon one that adds minimal calories. I indulged in one of the world-famous rolls at the restaurant where I had my first salad of the day.

And my body is screaming: EAT MORE! THAT WAS NOT ENOUGH CALORIES!, but alas, I am out of points for the day. However, I may yet snack on the zero-point dubious treat of celery dunked in salsa. We shall see.

I comfort myself that my blood is rich in antioxidants thanks to all the veggies.

I must return my irritable self to sipping my soothing tea. A group of people, myself included, are trying to arrange a carpool to an event in Boston this week. One woman wrote that she thought we could leave at 5:30 rather than 5. I was about to write back, YOU ARE FUCKING BONKERS AND IF EVERYONE DECIDES TO LEAVE AT HALF-PAST I'LL GO BY MY DAMN SELF BECAUSE WE'LL SIT IN RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC FOR THE REST OF TIME AND NEVER GET ANYWHERE NEAR OUR EVENT, but then I realized that maybe I'd lost a wee bit of perspective because I'm adjusting to eating fewer calories. And it's dark. And winter.

Thus: tea.

Counting Points, Day 1: A Post in List Form

I've made myself some rules to make this process livable:

1. No goddamn skim milk. It's 1% or nothing.
2. No goddamn cottage cheese. EVER. Why would I start eating something I would never, ever touch unless trying to lose weight? I will, however, entertain low-fat versions of other, yummy cheeses. Cabot makes a good 75% reduced-fat cheddar.
3. The point of the egg is the yolk. Any mama chicken or human who likes real food will tell you this. A lifetime of just whites is a prison sentence. Therefore, I will eat either a) one entire egg, or b) one egg plus the whites of another, but there will be yolk.
   (Insert "yolk" pun here.)

I'm feeling optimistic about this process because it seems it will solve the 2 stumbling blocks I encountered when using the Food Guide Pyramid to trim calories this summer.

1. I was always hungry. Therefore, I was irritable for large swathes of my waking hours.
   WW solution: The food guides place little green diamonds next to filling foods!
2. I eventually felt lonely in my efforts and it was too easy to slide as a result.
   WW solution: Weekly meetings, which are basically support groups for foodies. "Here is my tribe," I thought. I was very surprised to realize that everyone at WW seemed to really, really like food. These were not brittle, skinny women who loved cottage cheese and battled with themselves to eat less of it. These were foodies. Gourmands. It will be a good group from which to get healthy food tips, because, again, they ain't eating cottage cheese, either.

Finally, my dalliance with the Food Guide Pyramid is giving me a little boost on the WW new "Healthy Eating Guidelines," which are the Food Pyramid set up in a rectangular chart instead.

Goal: Moderation

One of my goals for the weight loss process if to find a better balance between diet and exercise. There was a time when I was dancing 10-15 hours/week. I could pretty much eat whatever I wanted. Later, when I wasn't dancing as much, if I had overeaten, I'd burn it off with more exercise. I'm starting to realize, after only 8 years in the "real world" (I must be exceptionally swift), that I can't always burn off the extra calories. Between working, commuting, sleeping, hygiene, maintaining interpersonal relationships, and cat care, there is only so much time I can devote to physical activity. Moreover, I feel better when I do activity at a moderate intensity level. I've never been one for X-treme exercise, even when I spent a third of my waking hours whirling and twirling, hopping and tapping.

So, I must control intake. I must.

I wonder if Michael Phelps goes through this when he's not training.

Stretchy, stretchy

I do reckon that my stomach gained some stretch thanks to the holiday gorging. This morning I had my normally perfectly satisfying breakfast of oatmeal, wheat germ, fruit, milk, and a sprinkle of brown sugar. I drank water and tea. Then, still hungry, I munched on brie and crackers. My tummy still asks for more, however. I'm trying to fill up with water, and I'll let myself have an early lunch. I need to retrain my stretch receptors. And eat some protein, I think.

Posturing

I found a Denise Austin DVD, "Power Zone: Mind, Body, Soul," at Ocean State Job Lot for $2.99. The core, so the speak, of the workout is a standing Pilates sequence, which tones and strengthens the abs and back without creating the neck pain of doing floor abs work. I feel energized, graceful, relaxed, and tall at the end of this 40-minute workout. My posture feels long and effortless. It's nice. The set design is absurd and the music poor, but the exercises are great.

First Purchase of 2009

Yesterday I stopped at Walmart for the first time since July 1, 2006* and purchased a hot air corn popper. Walmart is evil; I know this. However, they carry the popper deemed best by Slate.com, and it happened to be on sale for $15.

I love this thing already. The corn comes out lighter and fluffier--not to mention reduced-calorier--than oil-popped, but without the artificial flavor and stench of microwave popcorn. Plus, the popping process makes a lot of satisfying noise.

I'm eager to get some kelp and nutritional yeast to sprinkle on my popcorn. I enjoyed this combination once when living in Santa Fe (a hippie haven), and I'm going to test whether it lives up to my heavenly memories.



*Our wedding date, when I had to pick up underwear for my soon-to-be husband, who had forgotten to pack any. Walmart was the only show in town.

New Year's at the House of Butter

My father-in-law's wonderful, marvelous, fabulous wife is a fantastic cook. Trouble is, she is a high-fat, high-calorie, decadent cook. Her favorite recipes come from the barefoot contessa, aka Ina Garten, a woman who has never put less than three sticks of butter in a recipe. Her food sure is delicious, though.

Anyway, we rung in the New Year with: 10 kinds of homemade cookies, 2 kinds of quiches (both containing bacon!), a ham, and the contessa's sticky buns, among other delicacies. Everything was scrumptious and I ate a ton. I decided just not to count Dec 31, 2008-Jan 1, 2009. I had eaten light and exercised enough from Dec. 29-30 that I should come out even in the weight game. I hope.

Now we are home. We were sent home with a plate of cookies, of course. We placed them straight in the freezer, saving them for our board game night next Friday. Friends will eat them! Not us!

All this decadent cooking has inspired a new year's goal for me: to learn to cook super-fine low-fat recipes. I'm a pretty good cook of regular food, ie, food that is less fatty than the contessa's but more fatty than reduced-fat meals. Can I become a fantastic low-fat, high-fiber cook? I think I can!